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  • That Dirty, Dirty Starbucks Mermaid

    posted on Thursday, July 10th @ 12 am | jozimmerman

    Starbucks’ original logo (above right) was put to rest several years ago due to complaints about the promiscuity of the bare breasts and inviting position of the raised double-tail. Above left, is the replacement logo which features a more conservative mermaid. This year however, for a “special promotion,” the promiscuous mermaid/siren of old is back, and she’s already stirring up controversy:

    Says Mark Dice, from a San Diego Based Christian Group, “The Starbucks logo has a naked woman on it with her legs spread like a prostitute. Need I say more? The company might as well call itself Slutbucks.”

    Are you even allowed to say Slutbucks if you belong to a conservative Christian Group? I’m pretty sure you just got kicked out of your group. I’m also pretty sure you just unknowingly gave name to the next big X rated hit: “Slutbuck’s: you dirty, dirty Mermaid,” which will take place on a low budget set of a castle under the sea, with porn stars in cheap mermaid costumes, and the lead male part played by a guy in a lobster costume.

    I rarely find myself in agreement with random quotes from hard-line Christian groups, but I must say—I kind of see what Mark is saying. I mean, look at the picture. This mermaid is not only topless, but her two tails are spread above her head, and held back by her hands, as if to say, “Hi, welcome to Starbucks!”
    “Would you like to bang a horny Mermaid?”
    Last I checked, mermaids don’t even have two tails, which means they’ve created an even more fictional mermaid (if that’s even possible) just for the sake of male fantasies.

    Furthermore, can anyone tell me what mermaids and coffee have in common? Even Howard Schultz (the CEO) basically said something along the lines of, “Yeah, I just thought the mermaid was kind of hot.” Okay his actual quote was “rubenesque.” Still, Ruben is a painter known primarily for his paintings of naked women, so really Schultz was just saying she was “naked woman-esque.”

    Now, using logic if a) a mermaid and coffee have nothing to do with each other, and b) the mermaid is the brand for an entire coffee chain, than I conclude c) the mermaid is there for subliminal, marketing purposes. That’s right, Starbucks is clearly marketing to pirates. When a pirate see’s the promiscuous mermaid, he’s pretty much going to think he’s at the ideal port.
    (Pirate enters coffee shop, looks around).
    “Hi, welcome to Starbucks!”
    “Yeah, yar, ahem. This be my first time here! I just be seein’ the sign out front (stops to look around, adjusts wooden leg, tells parrot to shut up). Perhaps you could point me to the eh, ahem…the mermaid concubines. Are they upstairs, or is that there metal machine some sort of aquarium? I’ve been out to sea for quite some time… I see I can get a tall bold one for two bucks? Well that’s certainly reasonable.”

    Let’s face it, ever since Disney’s Little Mermaid, every dude has had a mermaid fantasy. You know the one I’m talking about, where you and the mermaid barista are making sweet aquatic love in the prep sink, with the smooth jazz of Wes Montgomery in the background – she’s pooring hot espresso all over your chest and shouting, “Don’t stop, you’re so..GRANDE!!” and you’re like, “That’s right, I’m average…you naughty, naughty sea-creature!”

    Surely you know the fantasy I’m talking about – the one where she doesn’t say “tall,” or “kid’s hot chocolate.”