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  • Superior Poetry – Volume VI: “Email Professional”

    posted on Monday, August 8th @ 12 pm | jozimmerman

    My emails are impressive –
    so concise and courteous.
    Such rapid response time,
    with thoughtful answers
    to your questions.
    You receive a well written reply
    within just minutes…seconds.
    Often with a well-placed exclamation point
    indicating my enthusiasm
    for helping you!
    Rarely a smiley face
    but if the situation demands one
    I do not hesitate 🙂
    (Bang, smiley face in your face)
    You are charmed.
    “It’s like he knows “Strunk & White”
    by heart,” you must think
    refreshed by my grammar.

    “I wish we could get him to work at our company…
    but we probably can’t afford him.”
    You must fantasize about having me
    as a “team member.”
    Having my email professionalism on your side –
    at your disposal.

    It would be impossible for you to know
    I’m lying in bed as I write you (or is it “laying”?)
    wearing just a robe (no belt)
    scrolling through various websites
    seeking employment
    whilst wondering where this missing robe belt went
    drinking sugar-free red bulls
    responding rapidly and courteously

    It would be impossible for the couple
    whose house I’m in to know
    I’m in their bed, in the nude.
    “Who could possibly find the secret
    hiding place for our key, under the mat?”
    They might wonder.
    Well, a savvy entrepreneur could.
    I might respond.
    Maybe a straight-shooter who thinks outside the box
    could find the hidden key under your mat.

    So here I lie (lay?)
    being impressive…

    The couple would be blown away
    by the proficiency of my emailing (does e-mailing have a hyphen?)
    and probably offer me
    a full-time house-sitting position.
    Watering the plants…feeding the dog
    as opposed to sedating the dog.
    (his breathing has quickened – he will wake soon)

    It would be impossible for you to know
    I’d do a full day’s work for a bottle of Ritalin
    or a Chipotle burrito
    or a forty of Olde English.
    I would never admit to that
    in an email.

    “Feel free to call me if you have any other questions, and thanks again for your time.”
    (I write insincerely)


    Joe Zimmerman
    (phone number)
    (“Quote from a famous author in italics that says something about who I am, even though I didn’t write it.” -Mark Twain probably)