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  • Petitioning Matt Damon to be my friend

    posted on Saturday, May 12th @ 12 pm | jozimmerman

    Yesterday I learned that anyone can start a petition about anything they want, so today I started a petition for Matt Damon to be my friend.



    I think Matt Damon should be friends with me, because based on his movies and interviews, I can tell we would hit it off and be buds.


    JUSTIFICATION 1: He is famous and I am not, and therefore I would constantly tell him how much I like Bourne Identity and Good Will Hunting, and how I think he was great in The Departed and Saving Private Ryan and Oceans 11 and True Grit, which might get old for him. But honestly after the first 4 or 5 times hanging, I think I’d move past that and begin talking about normal friend topics like basketball and the news, and we could play golf together like friends, and watch movies (movies that he’s not necessarily in) and we would play poker (I know he likes poker because of Rounders).

    JUSTIFICATION 2: He lives in LA while I live in New York, and it would make more sense for him to have friends who live close by. Here’s the thing, many of my closest friends I only see a few times a year, so living in a different city is NOT a justification for us to not be friends. We could text and talk on the phone, and I travel to LA quite a bit for work, so I could just increase how much I travel to LA (if me and Matt Damon were friends). Also, I bet he comes to New York for film shoots and award stuff, so we could meet up for brunch or hit the gym during his free time.

    JUSTIFICATION 3: We are both over the age of 30, and studies show that men have a hard time making close friends after that age: The thing is, Matt and I are both progressive and open-minded people, and I’m sure we could figure out how to put aside our work and families from time to time, for the sake of friendship (I mean, I know I would).

    JUSTIFICATION 4: Wouldn’t it be weird and uncomfortable to be friends with someone who is petitioning to be friends with you? Initially I can see how that might seem uncomfortable. You’d think I would have to be very strange to create a petition to be friends with Matt Damon. However, if you talk to my current friends they will all tell you I am not that strange, and in fact, a good friend. I have been a groomsman in FIVE weddings, and I am frequently invited to baby showers and birthday parties. I’ve read How to Win Friends & Influence People so I understand the basic concepts of good listening skills, eye contact, and remembering names and birthdays (For example: I already remember that his name is Matt Damon and his birthday is October 8). The only thing that is really missing from my life right now is that I’m not friends with Matt Damon.