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  • Jokes written by joke-writer who lacks the ability to exaggerate

    posted on Sunday, January 8th @ 12 pm | jozimmerman

    You know the party is over when the lights go up, and the music GOES DOWN!

    You know you had too much to drink, when you start yelling “I’m drunk!” and you’re laughing really hard and falling down a lot, and then your friends help you out of the bar.

    You know you’re old when you’re one-hundred.

    You know you’re broke, when you look at your bank statement and it’s all like, forty-three dollars and seventeen cents!? And that’s the only place where you keep money. You don’t have any other places where money is stored, it’s just that one bank.

    You know it’s time to get a job, when you don’t have a job currently, and you’re also not in school and you have no inheritance or savings, either.

    You know you’re out of shape when you haven’t done any physical activity for several months, and it causes you great strain to get up one flight of stairs, and you have high blood pressure and cholesterol, and your doctor expresses his (or her) concern.

    You know you’re on Delta, when you’re on an airplane, and they’re all like, “Thanks for flying with Delta!” It’s ridiculous.

    You know you check your phone too much, when your friends consistently say things like, “hey, quit checking your phone,” but you can’t help it. You just keep looking down, hoping someone will text. Who? You have no idea, but you keep checking. You can’t think about anything else.

    You know it’s peanut butter jelly time, when someone plays that popular YouTube video, and you start hearing them sing “It’s peanut butter jelly time!” and then that same person gives you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, served on a baseball bat. And you eat it and it tastes really good.

    You know you’re from New York when that’s where you were born and that’s where you GREW up!

    You know you’re a redneck when you go to a live Jeff Foxworthy show, and you sit in anticipation for the “You know you’re a redneck” portion.

    You know you’re a white guy when both of your parents are white, and both of their parents are white, and you’re not adopted, and you’re male.

    You know you’re in love when you’re proposing to someone and they say “yes”, or when someone is proposing to you and you say “yes,” and you don’t feel any doubt about the words that just came out of your mouth. That’s when you SO know.

    You know God has spoken to you, when you have physical evidence of the conversation, such as a video recording on your Android smart phone. And you submit the video to a legitimate scientist, who confirms that indeed the voice is not that of a human, but that he would need more evidence to prove that it was actually God, and not an elaborate hoax. So God comes down again and speaks to the scientist (who is recording on his I-phone) and God’s like, “Yes, it’s really me God” and God leaves a DNA sample for further proof, along with a sleeping angel, and when the scientist takes a microscope to the DNA there’s a tiny message in the DNA that reads, “Seriously, this is really the DNA of God, and if you still don’t believe me, the angel will explode in 60 seconds,” and in exactly fifty-eight seconds the angel opens her eyes and says, “Don’t worry, I’ll only feel a tickle,” and then KA-BOOM. This scientist releases his findings so that other scientists can confirm the results, and everyone agrees it was definitely God who spoke to you, and they are all very complimentary that you were such a quick thinker to turn on the video function of your HTC smart phone. But then you still question it. What if it was just the devil, pretending to be God? Couldn’t Satan just disguise himself, and do all of those same things? And why would God’s message be to have a heart that plots wicked things? That doesn’t seem right. Ultimately, it’s impossible to know 100% if God really spoke to you, so you should probably just make your own decisions based on your personal values and preferences.