A Personal Worst Gig - Relay for Life Benefit (The Crowd Is Walking)
March 3, 2009
Well, I set my new personal record on Friday, for worst gig I’ve ever performed at. I was asked to perform in an “auditorium” for “500 students” at American University. It was a Relay for Life benefit for the American Cancer Society, and they offered me $150. Okay, so good cause, good university, auditorium with 500 students, and I’m open that night, sounds good!
When I arrived, the “auditorium” was Bender Arena, which is a gym, not an auditorium. Critical difference between the two - the primary difference being, auditorium’s have stages, while gym’s have basketball courts. The event organizer was really nice and cheery, and didn’t look a day out of high school. I knew that the Relay for Life was a walk, but it never occurred to me that the majority of the “audience” would be walking, while I performed. I just assumed that no one would hire a comedian to perform for people who are walking. It’s never good to assume though - I learned this in grade school.
She initially asked me to perform at a podium, which was directly in the path of the walkers. Not wanting to be high maintenance, I asked, “Do you think that’s the best spot? Given that people will have to walk around me?” She then reconsidered, and asked me to perform center court, in the middle of the walking circle. Mmkay.
I was to follow a dance team - also not good - but I hadn’t given up. My plan was to find a way to make it work. My introduction didn’t help matters. I had been asked to email my intro a week in advance, so given the lead time, I thought they were really gonna nail it. The DJ cut off the Beyonce song and said, “Alright, this next guy is on tour with (long pause) the Beards of Comedy? He’s just coming from (long pause) the Detroit Comedy Festival? Whatever that means…Joel (long pause) Zimmer.”
Mmkay, thanks DJ. ‘Preciate you taking the time to memorize the ten
word intro. Also, “whatever that means”? Really DJ? It means that I
just came from the Detroit Comedy Festival, like it says.
Anywho, the problem with the intro wasn’t so much the poor delivery,
but the fact that no one heard it, and thus no one was aware that
comedy was about to happen. But happen it did! Unfortunately, as I
walked onto the “stage” a game of beach volleyball had drifted on to
center court. So I walked through a line of walkers, and into a game of
volleyball.
Unfazed by the volleyball game, I said, “What’s up American!?”
There were some smattered cheers of recognition that American was indeed their University, but no one was looking at me. They were all walking and talking, understandably. I still hadn’t given up on the situation, because I have a bit about the “walk it out” song by DJ Unk, that would clearly fit this situation perfectly. But as I went into my bit about “walking it out”, a beach volleyball hit me, and a young man said, “Oh, sorry man!” Meanwhile, a game of pick up basketball had formed at the far end of the court. I never thought I would have to perform on a basketball court, while basketball was being played. I looked around for the event organizer, to see if she was going to ask the athletes to cut back, or if she might call an audible on the whole comedy thing, but she was nowhere to be found.
Now, if you ever do a “hell gig,” the main objective for the comic, is to get through the allotted time you were contracted to do - that way, no matter how bad it goes, at least you did everything in your power to do your job, and contractually get paid. Unfortunately, I had agreed in the email to 30 minutes. Thirty minutes posed a problem, given that after 45 seconds, I was out of material that might work. So I did color commentary on the volleyball (not because I thought it would dig me out of any hole, but because it was the only thing I could think to talk about, given it was what was happening, in my space). The game wasn’t so much “beach volleyball,” as a game that involved keeping a beach volleyball in the air, for as long as possible, which they had dubbed the unfortunate name of “keep it up.” I then walked around with the students interviewing them as they walked. The students talked about facebook, and what major their parents wanted them to take, and the American loss to Villanova the day before, and the fact remained that none of the students knew why I was walking around the middle of the basketball court with a microphone.
Twelve minutes into my “set”, the DJ said, “hey you wanna just play some more music?” I was like, “Sounds good to me!” So I spent the last eighteen minutes of my set, taking pictures from my cell phone.
Here I am, while people walk by me, not noticing me. In the back,
you will see the volleyball game center “stage” that involves keeping a
beach volleyball in the air for as long as possible.
Here I am on the far side of the stage, where a pick up game of basketball had formed.
Here is the podium where I was asked to perform, before they agreed
maybe it wouldn’t be a great idea to perform where the line was
passing…though in retrospect, given the volleyball, this spot would in
fact have been better.
This picture was taken shortly after my set, when the DJ played
“Backstreet’s Back.” Two nice young gentlemen came up to me and asked
if they could borrow my microphone, to sing along. This is a picture of
them, singing along to Backstreet Boys.
Here is me with two of my “fans” immediately following my “set.” By
fans, I mean two girls who had no idea who I was, or why they were
taking a picture with me.
Here is me, 20 minutes after my set, right before they turned out
the lights for Sarah Mclachlan’s “I will remember you.” I am sad here,
partly because the song is sad, and partly because I couldn’t find the
event organizer to see if I was going to get paid. This song had
special significance to everyone in the room who had lost a loved one,
and special significance to me because I knew that I would remember
American, but they would not remember me.
Applebee's
October 3, 2008
I have what has been diagnosed as an irrational dislike for Applebee’s. To me, Applebee’s represents the muddling down of all cultures, to create meals that cater to everyone, and in doing so satisfy no one. The end result is mediocrity. What I really can't comprehend is how I keep ending up back there. It's always some half-hearted compromise, where friends have to compromise and meet in the middle. I suggest Chinese, but someone else isn't in the mood, and then they suggest pizza, but someone else just had pizza, and the next thing you know you’re meeting right in the middle, "Well, you wanna just go to Applebee's?" No, I don’t!
But just like that, I'm being seated at Applebee's, bracing myself for another mediocre experience--wondering, "Am I really here again? I thought I swore to never come back. Did I just order a Quesadilla Onion Ring burger? Surely that didn’t just happen." And then when the waitress asks if I want a side of Mexi-Ranch, instead of saying, "No thanks, that sounds gross." I said, "Sure,"...because apparently, I refuse to have a good day. What is going on here? Are there strings attached to me, because I don't feel like I'm making these decisions for myself!
That’s why I’ve decided, from this point on, I will never return, no matter what. If my friends all decide to go there, I will stand outside in the parking lot, protesting the muddling down of cultures. Life is too short to go to Applebee's and pay fourteen bucks to have indigestion for the rest of the day. The Applebee’s mantra itself displays the falsehoods it represents: "Eatin' Good in the Neighborhood." That’s a lie. You’re not eating in a neighborhood. No one has ever seen an Applebee's inside of a neighborhood. How pissed would you be if an Applebee's moved in next door to you? “Oh, who is this asshole, with the neon red apple on his roof?”
The value of your real estate would drop 99% and you’d have to sell your house to some Meth-heads for $1000--which would be good for Applebee's because they're always hiring cooks.
I wish corporations would just be truthful with their branding. Instead of “eatin’ good in the neighborhood,” how about “makin’ your jaw weary in a strip mall right off the interstate.” Or “Applebee’s...when there’s a sixty-five minute wait at Outback.” It’s funny because it’s true though, it really is. Or even, “Applebee’s, because every day has a low point...why not get yours over with by lunch.”
Besides, “Eatin’ Good in the neighborhood,” isn’t even proper grammar. Correct English would be, “eatin well in the neighborhood.” So ultimately, “Eatin’ Good in the Neighborhood” is just saying, “I’m dumb, and I think strip malls are neighborhoods.” So ultimately it says: “I’m dumb, and I’m stupid,” which is a motto I can respect, because I don’t have anything against stupid people. I didn’t even know “eatin’ good” was wrong until I used the grammar check.
If Vegas Took Odds, I'd Let it All Ride on Obama
September 24, 2008
The polls keep saying that this race is neck and neck, but I’m just not buying it. Obama has it wrapped up. I’m headed for the parking lot to beat the traffic out of the stadium. These are the same polls that thought Hillary was going to blow Obama out of the water.
When they do these surveys, they’re only calling people who have landline phones. You know who answers landlines? Old people. You know who takes the time to sit on their landline and take a survey? Extremely old, bored people. You know what old, bored people have in common with McCain? Only everything!
McCain seems like a good dude and all, but come on how do you vote against MLK day? He’s seventy-two years old, he loves war, and his wife stole meds from an orphanage. Stealing from Orphans is about as close as it gets to actually stealing candy from babies.
Historically, when the economy goes south, Americans always elect the opposing party of the one currently holding power. So if this game wasn’t already over 10 months ago, it certainly ended the moment Sarah Palin came on board. Granted, nobody knows what exactly a vice president does, but they should always fulfill one very critical role–that is, in the case of an emergency (e.g. seventy-two year old man dies) they should be someone who could step in and be a solid back-up leader. Sarah Palin doesn’t exactly fit the bill. You just shouldn’t be able to go from Governor of Alaska, to one heart-attack away from President of the USA.
Penguins live in Alaska! Actually never mind, I was confusing Alaska with Antarctica. But you know why I’m confused the two? Because they’re basically the same place! The primary difference being, Antarctica doesn’t have a Governor running for Vice President! Penguins!!
Infallible Marketing Tip #214: Helium Balloons
September 3, 2008
Almost every car dealership I’ve ever seen has a display of balloons outside. This doesn’t seem like a big deal until you think about how universal these displays are from one car dealership to the next. This means that balloons have been proven, time and time again, to boost car sales. Not only that, but they’re so effective that almost no car dealership goes without them.
This is curious because it’s not like helium balloons are low maintenance; I imagine someone has to refresh the helium or buy and hang new balloons on a regular basis. Furthermore, someone on staff is being paid to manage this whole operation.
Let’s imagine a hypothetical motorist driving along with no idea that he’s about to buy a new car:
Motorist: “Just minding my own business, singing along to this sweet new Katy Perry tune, ‘I Kissed a Girl.’ Hey! Look at all them colorful floaties! They sure are floaty (Turns down radio volume, slows vehicle). Well hot damn if there aren’t a bunch of real shiny cars right below, with the strings from the balloons leading my eyes downward like a lighthouse beacon to my lost ship! If only these wondrous engine machines were for sale. Hell yes I can put down 20% today, I’ve been lookin’ for a new pickup for ten years. I just never knew where they were at!”
But the real question is how can these dealerships calculate if the balloons are working? Is someone passing out a survey and are the surveys secretly being funded by the balloon industry? Most likely yes and here’s what it looks like:
1) How did you find out about this car dealership?
2) If your answer to number one was, “The balloons.”, congratulations, you’re correct! If not, please stop here, and discreetly place survey in the trash.
3) Clearly balloons are an effective marketing strategy, wouldn’t you agree?
A) Yes B) Maybe C) Definitely D) Sort-of
4) What’s your favorite color balloon?
A) Red B) Blue C)Yellow D) I like all balloons.
Thanks for your time, we’re happy that you liked our balloons, and we’ll make sure to share these results with every other dealership in the country.